The So-Long Man
by Merickson
Summary: A pulse-pounding screenplay.


EXT. HOUSE - BACK DECK - DAY

ELI, a college student, excitedly opens a sliding-glass door  
from inside.

ELI  
Yeah! First day in the house!

He takes a step out, and his foot drops straight through a  
gap in the floorboards. He screams. Fellow students JOSH  
and SARAH appear in the doorframe.

SARAH  
Eli! What happened?

JOSH  
Yo, what's up?

ELI  
The back deck sucks!

JOSH  
I knew we should have checked the  
entire house before signing the  
lease.

ELI  
Hey, what's that on the rail?

Eli pulls his foot out and walks across the deck, the wood  
creaking under him.

SARAH  
Be careful!

Eli looks closer at some writing carved into the railing.

ELI  
Wow, this handwriting is terrible.  
(reading)  
"The Sorl"..."The Solo"..."The  
Slongo Mad"...

A mist appears in front of Eli.

ELI  
Oh crap.

JOSH  
What the hell is that?

SARAH  
I don't like this. Get back  
inside, Eli.

The mist forms into THE SO-LONG MAN, a man wearing a cape,  
black T-shirt, jean shorts, and sandals. He stands on the  
railing.

THE SO-LONG MAN  
I am The So-Long Man! You've  
summoned me by speaking my name!

JOSH  
It's a ghost!

SARAH  
Oh god!

ELI  
But I said "The Slongo Mad."

THE SO-LONG MAN  
It was close enough! Now I'll have  
all your souls!

SARAH  
Run!

Eli runs back to the door, slowing down to very carefully  
step over the gap, as The So-Long Man cackles evilly.

INT. HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Eli runs in, and Josh slams the sliding door shut. As the  
three turn around, a dog made entirely of chunky red goop  
bounds in, snarling viciously.

SARAH  
What's that?!

JOSH  
Oh shit!

The So-Long Man, now standing immediately outside the sliding  
door, throws it open.

THE SO-LONG MAN  
You're trapped! Your only option  
is to kill each other and/or  
yourselves, and your organs will be  
added to Hellmutt!

Hellmutt lunges at Eli.

SARAH  
Watch out!

ELI  
Oh no!

THE SO-LONG MAN  
No! Not yet, Hellmutt!

Hellmutt harmlessly bites Eli's arm, losing several teeth.

ELI  
Wait, this dog has chili peppers  
for teeth, and they're falling out!  
I think this dog is made of salsa!

The So-Long Man sighs as Hellmutt gums Eli's arm.

THE SO-LONG MAN  
Okay, so he's made of salsa! It's  
only temporary until we can replace  
it with victims' guts, so you'd  
better get to killing each other!

ELI  
This isn't so bad. He's kind of  
cute, actually.

Hellmutt lets go of Eli's arm and pants.

THE SO-LONG MAN  
Damn it, listen to me! Here, Eli,  
look.

The So-Long Man points to Josh and Sarah, who are making out.

THE SO-LONG MAN  
Your girlfriend and best friend are  
totally macking on each other!  
Don't you want to murder them in a  
jealous rage?

ELI  
Sarah's not my girlfriend.

THE SO-LONG MAN  
Wait, really?

JOSH  
Yeah, she's mine.

SARAH  
We got bored of you talking about  
your dog and stealing our souls or  
whatever, so we started making out.

ELI  
My girlfriend is in the living room  
getting drunk.

Eli's girlfriend, AMY, stumbles in with a beer in one hand  
and a bag of Tostitos in the other.

AMY  
Where'd the salsa dog go? I still  
have all these chips left.  
(to The So-Long Man)  
Who the hell are you?

ELI  
Amy, meet So-Long Man. So-Long  
Man, meet Amy.

THE SO-LONG MAN  
The So-Long Man! There's only one!

A DEMON appears in a puff of smoke next to The So-Long Man.

DEMON  
Kyle!

THE SO-LONG MAN  
Satan! Your Lowness!

The So-Long Man bows.

DEMON  
What are you doing here?

THE SO-LONG MAN  
I'm hunting victims, Dark Lord.

DEMON  
Did these victims summon you by  
saying your name?

THE SO-LONG MAN  
Yes...basically.

DEMON  
Basically?

THE SO-LONG MAN  
They basically said my name, yes!

DEMON  
Surveillance shows that one of them  
only said "The Slongo Mad" before  
you showed up. That doesn't count!

THE SO-LONG MAN  
B-but -

DEMON  
And it really doesn't count if you  
carve your name into a railing with  
a butter knife. That's cheating.  
I want a full report on what your  
improvement goals will be by  
tomorrow morning.

The So-Long Man hangs his head.

THE SO-LONG MAN  
Aw man. So unfair.

The So-Long Man evaporates into a mist that then dissipates.

DEMON  
So long, man!

AMY  
Dude, I think Satan just saved you guys.

DEMON  
Nah, Kyle can't do anything right  
anyway. And I'm not Satan. I just  
tell him that so I can boss him  
around. I'm Frank. I'm a file  
clerk down there. Now who's up for  
some Mario Kart?

AMY/ELI/JOSH/SARAH  
Yeah!

Hellmutt barks excitedly.

THE END


End file.
